Day 29 ½ - The Blue Whale, Our Last Date
I was about 25 minutes early - I could not wait any longer.
I had prepared my new living space for later tonight and top on the list was documentation. I had no pictures of Yirka and it was a must that I show everyone I had ever known what had done for the past 17 days. We would have privacy here in my new room of dark wood and antique mirrors. Plus the only feminine thing I had brought to this winterland was my silky moss green night gown and even as an 11th hour attempt – He would see me looking sexy if it killed me!
When I got to the Whale I noticed a reserved sign on the table in the back – the table where we met. It had been a week since I had turned up – tripping on acid – at the radio station. Did he know it had been the most honest exchange between us? Sitting on the floor, under his console while he worked. It was my litmus test. I felt safe and at home beside him and that was bigger than all the “new” in the world.
I could see the door in the mirror above the bar and I was nervous for the first time. I order a drink and struck it up with the guy beside me at the bar. He was a nice Swedish distraction that continued for too long. We were meeting at 8:00.
At 8:35 he was not there and I left . I was going to stick it out another 10 minutes but it was not possible. Hell was surely somewhere beneath that bar stool. It was easy enough not to worry for the first 20 minutes. I had no doubt then – But slowly it came up through the floor - Those flames of realization were upon me. He had touted himself on promptness at that table. The table that still sat “Reserved” and empty. The ultimate sign that if he was late – he could call the same way he did to reserve that table. I had never been stood up before not that it would have helped. The shock was a catwalk compared to what came next.
I bought my first pack of cigarettes on the way to Amy’s.
The air was pumping out of me. I would soon be completely deflated. She walked me back to my apartment I turned on some Soundgarden - trying desperately to scourge up some anger. Anger I could do. You can function angry - I could pack angry. But This. I did not know what to do with This. This was heavy and inoperable. How had I ended up here? I retraced my steps but this was not my fault. This should not have been. How had I ended up more alone then when I got here a month ago?
I remember the weight of that night and the following day. I have never been taken so completely off guard. I have been dumped. But this was a total surprise abandonment. I had woken up with the house gone from around me and had no time to find any answers. I had to get on a plane in 12 hours. I would leave forever. It was all so final. When I got off the plane tomorrow – I would have only me.
At the airport I gave Amy my letter to Yirka. I had written 3 versions until I reached what Amy and I deemed totally honesty. She would go to Radio One, and based on what she saw - she would or would not give it to him. In 4 days I would know, one way or the other what was what.